Photo by: Meaganready.com & wendydarlingphotography.com
*UPDATE! BONE'S VERSION OF EVENTS:
When Kail asked me to write my version of the birth story, I didn't really answer her because I can sum it up in one sentence: I was disgusted. But people are now asking for mine. I get it. I'm the funniest and I'm a fucking meme so it's not surprise to me that people want my version. So by popular demand here it goes.
I get bored pretty easily and when I get bored I like to make others suffer either mentally or physically. If you've ever spent the day at Kail's house then you know it's pretty fucking boring. We sit on the couch and watch tv and Kail makes pizza rolls or orders Chinese if we're lucky. So it was late one night and I haven't tormented Kail since I convinced her she was autistic so I think she's past due. Also, despite my lack of human emotions, I love babies and I just want to meet Baby Lo. I know working out can induce labor. So Michaella and I thought it would be funny to make her workout because Kail is not only 9 months pregnant but she also has about as much grace as.....well the Hulk. So Michaella and I are dying laughing as she squats and takes laps around the kitchen counter. If I knew what was to unfold for the rest of the night I would have saved my torment for someone else.
After like 30 minutes Kail goes to the bathroom because when she stands up from the couch she hears something "snap". We are all like ok Kail whatever just go to the bathroom. *insert eye roll*. We all know Kail's dramatic so we don't really think anything of it until we hear, "Rachel"! Rachel gets up and goes to the bathroom and Michaella's middle name is FOMO so she trails closely behind Rachel. I'm not going to be the only one to not be involved so I get up as well. I peak my head into the bathroom to see what all the fuss is about and all I see it Rachel all up in Kail's business. Rachel is like Phoebe from Friends. Loves nature and not afraid to go arm deep in someone else's vjeana cause it's natural and not something you should be ashamed of. Then apparently Kail's mucus plug is on the toilet paper. It's like the vjeana boogers you get, ya know? I have a wide set vjeana and I heavy flow so I've seen worse on toilet paper. I'm not phased.
Somehow we are now on the top of the steps and Kail stops, legs open, and she's not wearing any underwear or pants just so you all can get the full picture. All of a sudden water shoots out her pizza and onto the floor. Now I've reached my limit. I've only got 20 years on this earth and I intended to go my next 80 without every seeing someone's vjeana turn into a water gun. So for the rest of this story I'm mentally checked the fuck out. Thank the Devil for Rachel because she handled everything from here on out. Kail said I was sitting on the bed for "moral support". Absolutely fucking not. I was sitting on the farthest edge of the bed because that's the farthest I could get from this situation without being left out. Cause FOMO.
Michaella gets frustrated very easily and if there's anything in this world Michaella loves more than going through people's belongings, it is being naked. She apparently can't find a black dress and when she gets frustrated, she cries, and when she's overwhelmed she gets naked. So now she's pacing in the closet crying and naked. I'm embarrassed about her display of so many emotions. I don't know how we're sisters...never mind I'm adopted so doesn't count. One thing I cannot handle is crying. So I turn my attention back to Kail who is shaking like Michael J. Fox on the bed. She's in pain but at least she's not crying so I can handle this better. Rachel then starts talking about counter pressure or some shit. I've gone 3 years of our friendshipwithout touching Kail and I certainly wasn't going to start just cause she was having a baby. So Michaella and Rachel handled that.
I've never been excited to see Chris but I was in this moment. Finally someone to take Kail and this situation as far from me as possible. Oh by the way...I wanted baby Lo to be a fucking girl. Like I said I love children and watch Kail's kids whenever I can. I love Isaac and Lincoln but I wanted a change and I wanted to help take care of a little baby girl. Also I knew Kail secretly wanted a girl and if she didn't have one she'd be on a mission to have another baby. Aka 4 baby daddies aka I'm not having that shit. So I'm texting Rachel, she went to the hospital, to see what the baby is. After a few minutes I fall asleep, again my attention span is not long. But I'm awoken not too long after to Rachel smiling at me. I knew she knew the gender and I felt like I just woke up to Christmas Day and I was getting a present. Rachel exclaims, "it's a boy"! I can only compare my feelings to the moment you open a present on Christmas and it's socks. You pretend to be happy but inside you're like fuck off I didn't want fucking socks. So instead ofdisplaying my real feelings I just simply stated "I'm going to bed". I love baby Lo (fucking name this kid or I'm calling CPS) but hey it's 2017 maybe he'll change his mind on his gender and I can get want I want.
It all started around 1:00 in the morning. Kail, Bone, Quay, & I were at Kail’s house hanging out. Kail went pee and came back into the living room. After she sat down she asked me “Can you hear your mucous plug come out? I think I just heard it and felt it.” I said, “I don’t know about hearing it, but yes some women feel it.” Kail went back into the bathroom and next thing I know she yells “Rachel” so I went in there to find her sitting on the toilet. She showed me the mucous but there wasn’t a substantial amount so I had her stand up. I then knelt down and looked up into the eye of the hurricane and saw the rest of the plug.
We then went upstairs and just as Kail reached the top of the stairs her water started to break. I’ll never forget the look on Bone’s face as the water hit the floor. Quay got a towel and we put it under Kail. I told her to stay there and just let it happen.. easier to wipe up the wood floors than deal with soaked carpet.
Once we cleaned her up she went and sat on her bed and we called the doctor. We had the nurse page him and Kail tried to get comfortable. At 1:34 she had her first contraction. We laid on the bed for a bit before she decided she wanted to shower. I kept writing down the contractions. They were immediately and consistently 3 minutes apart.
While Kail showered Quay was getting last minute things together and she started stress-stripping because she couldn’t find a black dress. Every time she’d pace back and fourth between the bathroom and walk-in closet she had one less piece of clothing on. It was seriously hilarious. Bone was on the bed taking in all the chaos. At one point Quay was even crying! She was so emotional and so funny! Once we calmed Quay, Kail got out of the shower. It was quickly approaching 2:00 am so we called the doctor back and the nurse paged him again!
Kail lost more water and a little bit of blood on her bathroom floor. Again- Bone’s face… priceless! At that point we called Chris and he made his way to the house. Shortly thereafter Chris arrived and as he loaded the car the doctor back called and told us to go to the hospital. Chris drove, Kail sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back. It was clear Kail’s contractions were getting stronger.. she kept writhing in pain and squeezing Chris’ arm. We were almost to the hospital when Kail said she felt like she needed to push.. we hit a red light and Kail told Chris to run it. Another red light, and another! At 2:24 we ran our 3rd red light and made our way to the hospital. I parked the car and Chris escorted her inside.
By the time I made it up to the floor Kail was in her room, so I sat with Chris in the waiting room. A few minutes later a nurse came for Chris. I sat there by myself texting Bone. An alarm went off and all these nurses went running into her room. They came from the left, the right, and spilling off the elevators. Shortly after that I heard a scream and text Bone “By the sounds of it, she’s crowning!” Sure enough a little bit later the doctor came out and told me the baby had been born! Once they cleaned her up they took me back. When I walked in Chris was holding the baby and Kail gushed “It’s a BOY!” I immediately looked at Chris and said “Seriously?” There HE was!!! Little Baby Lo!
So from start to finish her labor and delivery was 2 hours long. I like to say he rocketed out. It began at 1:00 and he was born at 3:00 am on the dot. She did amazing and the baby is so perfect!! So many emotions, so little time!
Quay’s Point of View
It was August 4th, and at this point I was fed up that there was no baby popping out yet. My sister, Bone, and I decided we needed to get this show on the road. We were all sitting on the couch together, and we took out our phones to google ways to induce labor. We chose exercise as our way to get the baby out because we knew there was a good chance it would work and honestly it was gonna be funny as hell to watch. Me and Bone were dying laughing watching Kail do squats and waddle around the house. When Kail finished her workout she was sweating and dying and me and bone were laughing. We were sitting on the couch, and not even an hour later the show was on the road. Kail stood up and screamed that something “popped” and me and bone just stare at each other and are like what the fuck does that mean. Kail runs to the bathroom and we follow her because we’re nosey as hell. There was shit coming out of here and we were like okay this is really happening. We all go upstairs to get clothes and everything ready to go to the hospital and all of sudden Kails water breaks on her bathroom floor. Bone’s face was the funniest thing I have ever seen because she was both shocked and disgusted at the same time. We had never been through anything like this, so we really didn’t know how to react towards any of it. Kail starts having contractions and she is clearly in tremendous amounts of pain, and if anyone knows me and bone they know we don’t have much emotion towards anything. So here Kail is screaming in pain and me and Bone are just staring at each other with blank faces. We could have tried to comfort her but that’s too much and kails fine she will survive. So then all a sudden Kail tells me she wants this black dress to wear to the hospital because its stretchy or whatever. So I’m like okay this is the time I can make myself useful and at least do something to help Kail since my sympathy isn’t a thing. So I’m trying to look in her messy ass closet for this dress, and I couldn’t fucking find it. So now I’m in full panic mode because I literally had one job and I couldn’t even do it. So now I’m distressed and I start panicking and crying and who knows what else. I’m pacing back and forth in her closet and room and all a sudden I just start stripping because I was hot and overwhelmed and clearly didn’t know what else to fucking do. Fast forward and I found her something else to wear. She has already called the doctor and she has his word to come on in to the hospital. All of this started at about 1:00am, and Kail gets to the hospital around 2:40. Next thing we know, we get a text at 3:00am on August 5th, that our beautiful baby no name was born.